Finalmente.

Finalmente is one of my favorite words in Italian. Something about the way it is said just makes me smile. They say it with such feeling…it means finally. And no matter how it’s used, every time I hear it they make it sound like they’ve been waiting a million years for whatever has “finally” come or happened. Which is how I am feeling right now.

Some of you may know, but many of you do not. Nick and I have had some struggles in the child bearing category over the last few years. When he first got home from deployment (two years ago) we got pregnant pretty quickly and then just as quickly, lost it. But we tried again. And we lost it again, only a little further along and things were even harder and more complicated. I won’t go into gruesome details but I wanted the baby to pass naturally, which it did. I held that tiny perfect body in the palm of my hand and was completely overcome with how amazing it is that life happens at all. After the baby came there were complications and I had to have surgery. Then there is a waiting time. But then more complications arose and more testing was needed which then led to more surgery which then led to more waiting. While we waited, there were more tests. So after ALL of this, we finally got to GREEN LIGHT! It took a little while. But alas, FINALMENTE! We are pregnant!!!!!!!!!

Through all of this I learned a tough lesson. At first I felt angry that these things were happening to me. It upset me that all around me other people who I felt “deserved it less” than I did were getting pregnant. Many of them had children younger than Jonah and I felt like it wasn’t their turn. It was MY turn. But after years of waiting I have come to a harsh realization. Having children is NOT a RIGHT. Some people treat it that way. And lot’s of us like to say things like “I want four kids, each of them two years apart”. And some people like to ask questions like “when do you plan to have the next one”. But what I have learned is that we do not control this. And the sooner you learn to let go of that delusional sense of control over when you have kids, if you have kids or how many kids you have, the better off you will be.